Essays: On The Road And A Little Off

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   ITDs or: Panama Gets Clap.exe Version 2.3

Nashvile, TN, September 21, 2003

Dear Everybody who got e-mail from me lately:

A long time ago, when such things occasionally happened to me, as opposed to now when such things NEVER happen to me, for reasons of constancy, etc., anyway, a long time ago, I was awakened from a deep sleep by a knocking on my door.

On the doorstep I discovered a lovely young woman with whom I had had sex a week or so previously. "Here," she said, "these are for you, and I'm very, very sorry if I infected you. Please don't hate me." And she handed me a bottle of tetracycline or something, because she had just
found out that she had a Sexually Transmitted Disease, and was doing her utmost to atone for her transgressions (and transmissions).

Well, I thought it was a noble gesture, and accepted the pills and took
the medicine even though I had begun to display no signs or experience
any symptoms of having been infected. I really didn't have to worry
about having infected any other partner because (I know it's difficult
for you to believe, me being so strikingly handsome and generally
irresistable and all) but because I hadn't been intimate with anyone else
in the interim.

Tonight I find myself somewhat in the position of the young lady in my
story. Yesterday evening my mailbox was deluged with all kinds of virus
reports, most from addresses I didn't even recognize as being from my
address book. Apparently I have unwittingly been the vector of a
computer virus. Maybe I got it from that guy Mugu, who keeps leaving
messages on my guestbook to "Keep Oooooffff", whatever that means. Which I have to go in and delete every time. (Mugu, I know you're out there, even though Yahoo! never HEARD of, you little chickenshit.) Or maybe I got it from one of the places that I got the notices from, or maybe I got it from, dare I say it, you.

The point is that I got it. And spread it around, apparently.

I called my computer virologist, Dr Ashley P, right away of course, and
she gave me the address of a site where I could download a virus
protection program for nothing at all money-wise. So I logged on and
downloaded and installed, and since then I have had no further reports of
having spread an Internet Transmitted Disease. So apparently this
tetracycline for the internet bug works.

Here. This is for you, and I'm very, very sorry if I infected you.
Please don't hate me.